awake!

Twists.

2006-11-18T13:06:00.000-08:00

Life is full of fucking surprises. I don't have the answers anymore. I don't and i can't, for the life of me, know what's gonna happen tomorrow. And i hate it!

I used to know. I just don't anymore.

So in my fuckedupness i see myself at a fork. I wish i could travel both and know what each yields, but i can't. I have to pick one. Now i can't decide. I'm torn between my heart and my mind. I'm taking more and more time and the longer i take to decide, the more complicated it becomes. With the added delay, the two paths start to fade and there emerges another, third path - a path that i will eventually be forced to take because i couldn't make the decision when i had the choice.

This probably seems a bunch of random crap right now but let me explain further and then perhaps you can understand what it is that i am facing.

Path 1:
This promises excitement, adventure and is even dangerous. Its a risk and a big one at that. There could be two possible endings at the end of this road - either things would end up as absofuckinglutely fantastic or they'd be as bad as the worse i've seen in my life. I don't know for sure how this would end.

Path 2:
This is the safe path. Filled with mundane-ity, this is nothing but mediocre. i don't know how this one is going to end, except that there's going to be no great reward or major pain.

Path 3:
Now this one is what i'll have to swallow if i don't choose b/w 1 or 2. I have no freakin' clue except that i won't be able to run from it. I'll have to accept it.

So there you have it, what do i do?
Should i listen to my heart and follow wherever my passion leads me, or do i settle for mediocrity? Or do i resign to what i'm being forced to accept?

If only i knew ..

Of bad days and Murphy.

2006-11-02T12:48:00.000-08:00

its been a bad day. the kinda day where from the moment you wake up you know that everything's gonna be down right shitty! in Murphy's words 'everything that can go wrong went wrong' but in the royal shittiness that was today i actually managed to discover something new about myself and it actually made my day.

single life is quite the interesting. each new day bring something new and the freedom of it is something that i'm still deriving much pleasure from. its remarkable how i'd forgotten to live like this. the free soul. i've always been in favor of free will and the free spirit. did a lotta crazy stuff just 'cus i wanted to. the human 'want'- its way underrated.

Blah.

2006-10-04T02:59:00.000-07:00

It's been a a long while since i last posted here. Feels kinda odd in a weirdly comforting manner to be writing here again. I should write here more often, it used to lighten the load.

Anyhow, i'm graduating in a few months now. It's true. I actually am graduating. I've put this off for as long as i could but i can't do that anymore. To be honest, i'm scared. LUMS in all its bittersweetness has been a sanctuary for the past so many years and leaving it is not going to be easy. The world outside scares me. The real world. The practical world.

I'll be working for a while. I don't know where or doing what. I don't even know what i wanna work as. All i know is that i have to work. So many years of college and this is what i know as i graduate. Kinda shitty.

Really shitty.

never thought i'd curse the day i met her ..

2006-07-13T17:29:00.000-07:00

She said to me, over the phone
She wanted to see other people
I thought, Well then, look around. They're everywhere
Said that she was confused...
I thought, Darling, join the club
24 years old, Mid-life crisis
Nowadays hits you when you're young
I hung up, She called back, I hung up again
The process had already started
At least it happened quick
I swear, I died inside that night
My friend, he called
I didn't mention a thing
The last thing he said was, Be sound
Sound...
I contemplated an awful thing, I hate to admit
I just thought those would be such appropriate last words
But I'm still here
And small
So small.. How could this struggle seem so big?
So big...
While the palms in the breeze still blow green
And the waves in the sea still absolute blue
But the horror
Every single thing I see is a reminder of her
Never thought I'd curse the day I met her
And since she's gone and wouldn't hear
Who would care? What good would that do?
But I'm still here
So I imagine in a month...or 12
I'll be somewhere having a drink
Laughing at a stupid joke
Or just another stupid thing
And I can see myself stopping short
Drifting out of the present
Sucked by the undertow and pulled out deep
And there I am, standing
Wet grass and white headstones all in rows
And in the distance there's one, off on its own
So I stop, kneel
My new home...
And I picture a sober awakening, a re-entry into this little bar scene
Sip my drink til the ice hits my lip
Order another round
And that's it for now
Sorry
Never been too good at happy endings...

- Ghost Track, Pearl Jam

strange lovers.

2006-07-06T14:52:00.000-07:00

they always love each other. but love is the strangest of emotions. centuries have passed and yet no one has been able to pen down a concrete definition. love. it's just strange. and these lovers made it even more strange.

the strangeness of their love estranged even the strange strangers who saw them. they were one, yet remained two. the reason was simple, divided they stood, united they fell. this strange concept seemed strange to everyone. no one could really comprehend the simpleness behind this absurdity. yet they did. however, even they had there moments of weakness and of doubt. they just couldn't be with or without each other, which created a rather delicately intricate scenario. there were times when he would want to hold her and caress her lips with his own. and there were times when she would want to lean on him and have his warmth warm her up. however, neither did what they wanted to. they'd just share small moments, each with him/herself while the other either pretended not to notice it or just didn't notice it. such was the strangeness that they shared. yet the strangeness of these strange lovers was simply not strange. these were lovers who were being content with whatever they had, with whatever they could get. these were lovers who thought too much and didn't know any better.

strange, some people might call them.
much too much in love is what they are.

DISCLAIMER: This story is purely fictional. Any resembelance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental.

More days like this one.

2006-07-01T17:56:00.000-07:00

'Tis been a good day. A great one infact.

Dholki, Footballin', Cameras, Pistol, Photography, Mangoes, Play, Random Cuteness, Friends, and ...

And to top it all off, France defeating Brazil in the quarters. A magnificient show of class by Zidane who's shown why he is the daddy at ball control and why no one else will ever come close to him. And then a sublime Henry goal to add to it that little bit of extra something special.

Thank you.
More days like this one.
Please.

ing.

2006-06-27T18:52:00.000-07:00

laughing. smiling. hating. leaving. staying. saying goodbye. laughing. smiling. running. paining. panting. falling. getting up. twisting. passing. moving. stopping. crying. hurting. hugging. smelling. feeling. messing up. understanding. conflicting. praying. cursing. playing. adoring. kissing. supporting. advising. flirting. jumping. missing. being. commemorating. celebrating. taking. giving. asking. denying. lying. stating. sending. receiving. holding. letting go. caring. wishing. amazing. breathing. failing. succeeding. hoping. craving. saying. listening. working. worrying. looking. hiding. showing. seeing. watching. typing. driving. bruising. scarring. resisting. giving in. dancing. cheering. singing. posing. pretending. faking. smoking. killing. rejuvenating. reinventing. deciding. tripping. snapping. signing. clicking. ticking. blinking. beating. happening. unhappening. saddening. pricking. pinching. dreaming. wanting. having. sleeping. remembering. longing. yearning. wondering. wrapping. unwrapping. exciting. aging. kicking. punching. yelling. screaming.

thinking. dying.

living.

the kings.

2006-06-27T15:04:00.000-07:00

When you're weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
I'm on your side. When times get rough
And friends just can't be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

When you're down and out,
When you're on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
I'll take your part.
When darkness comes
And pain is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

Sail on silvergirl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine.
If you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.

- Bridge over troubled water, Simon & Garfunkel

Dumping Mental Trash.

2006-06-23T16:11:00.000-07:00

Lack of sleep combined with restlessness mixed with apathy towards doing something constructive makes one do weird things to kill time. I ended up reading old emails. My gmail account isn't all that old, a couple of years maybe. But there are insane amounts of emails in there. So i decided to empty it out. I figure there's no point in holding on to the past. What's been done has been done and is done and over with. Move on.

So i went through hundreds of emails. Re-read many of them. Each written word brings a separate memory. Of good times and bad. Of stupidity and maturity. Regardless of what memory each brings, at the end of it, i couldn't, but help chuckle, at my own self and how naive i used to be. Not to say that i am not or i won't be naive in the future but in hindsight the past self always seems so much more naive. Made promises, dished out advice, said things that shouldn't have been said, said things that should've been said, blah blah blah. You get the point. At the end of it all, i really couldn't delete any. Because all those words are a part of me. A part of who i am.

The last few days, i've thought a lot about MY house and how its going to be. I just can't wait to get to the point in my life and more than that i hope i get there. Its gonna be wonderful. I can picture all of it now. The exterior, the interior. The lounge, the bedroom, the 'boys room', the study, the home theatre. I wanna build it myself. Not the structure but what's inside the structure. The shelfs and cupboards etc. Do all the handy work myself. I even wanna paint it all myself. It would be awesome.

I'm getting lazier by the day. I'm nowhere close to being as active as i used to be. I'm growing more and more indifferent each day. There's something in me that senses the return of the great apathy. People who know me know what happened then. I somehow feel that it might just come back again. Seeds of this devil (to some, not me) are already sown. I don't really know why people hated that phase so much. I loved it. In all honesty, i really didn't care for anyone at that point in time and it was great. It was just me, myself and i. I'd be alone all day yet i wasn't lonely or miserable. I just didn't feel anything. Yet, i had peace of mind.

Summers are here and are not quite as i had expected them to be. But then again we all expect a lot. At least i do. Must stop expecting. Bad habit. Actually i don't even think its a habit. I think its more of a character trait. But i've never expected anything more than what i deserve. Even so. Note to self: must stop expecting.

Oh yea summers. Man this is gonna be crazy. Family's gonna be leaving mid-july. Saad's gonna go a few days later. Then its just gonna be me and lahore. Man, i hate lahore. Actually i shouldn't be saying that. I don't know lahore enough to hate it. For the past so many years i've been coccooned in lums. I never really got to know lahore. But then again, lahore was never really mine to know.

Internship is at a kick ass place. The only thing i'm looking forward to. But its strictly 9-5. That sucks. I was hoping i'd get to work overtime so that i don't have much free time but that's not the case anymore. I think i'm gonna learn how to cook this summer. Have to do something with my spare time.

Something's wrong with me. I haven't photographed anything for two weeks now and i don't like it. Nothing seems to catch my eye anymore. Its just weird. Its as if the camera's stopped calling out to me. I don't like this.

I wanna buy a new zippo.

I'm smoking way too much. A pack harldy lasts me half a day. The other day i was having this sharp pain in my chest whenever i'd inhale deeply. Was bad. I need to quit. Someone said i should think about my children and about all the things i want to do as a father. That someone said right. But i can't quit. I know i'm addicted. I know its wrong. But that someone should know that i'm already fighting off another addiction.

I feel like travelling. Just travelling around the world. Actually across europe. Alone. With just a bagpack and my camera. I just want to get lost for a few months. Cut off the entire world and just disappear without knowing what is in store for me the next day. Without bothering to care about the next day. I've started bothering too much. I should just stop bothering about tomorrow.

My best friend's found a great girl and he's madly in love. I'm insanely happy for him. He's changed. For the better. She's as much in love with him as he is with her. Maybe even more. She's perhaps the best thing to happen to him. I thank you for happening to him.

Speaking of love, i heard this interesting dialogue in a movie today about the three great words 'i love you'. These are the biggest lie. And this actually makes sense. 'cus after a while there's no love, there's only 'you' and 'i' left. And this is not about people who don't get to be with the one they love but about everyone in general. I'm actually starting to believe that these words being the biggest lie is the greatest truth.

There's a no-parking sign above the table at which i'm sitting right now and i've been parked here for a very long time now. Hahaha. I'm the king of irony.

I wish the world were just black and white. I'd honestly rule over all. This grey area just confuses the hell outta me. I'm tired of sifting through the grey and placing it into black and white. But the grey continues to grow exponentially. And even some of the sifted black and white turns back to grey after a while. This is not right. I'm sick of it. I want black and white. Is that too much to ask for ?!

The ring finger on my right hand hurts; i hurt it again while playing volleyball. Ouch. Pain.

The days seem to be getting longer and the nights even more so.

I just saw a movie about a love triangle. Well actually more about infidelity and cheating. Wife, husband and the 'other' man stuck on an island. Wife cheats on husband. Husband goes insane. Husband leaves wife. The other man and the husband fight each other. Other man dies. Boat comes to island finally to rescue. Wife hops on and deserts husband on the island. Now, the movie tried to make a heroine out of the wife. How she fell in love with this other man who was in love with her. But the husband went nuts 'cus he loved her. Sure everyone has their shortcomings but that does not make you fall out of love with someone. You love someone for what they are. Not for what they can be. And can infidelity ever be forgiven ?! I don't think so. But then again, i think too much.

I have a midterm on monday. I'll do well. Hopefully.

Why do i end my conversations and emails with 'peace'. Why the hell should i wish peace to people when there's none inside my head abhi. I should stop caring about people.

I was wondering if i died today or tomorrow or in the very near future, it'll be a pity 'cus no one knows me completely expect perhaps one person. Not my family. Not her. Not most of my closest friends. No one. Everyone just knows certain sides of me. Some, because they only want to know those sides. Others, because i only show them those sides. But as a whole i remain a mystery. I guess everyone does. Its sad.

Great change in character is emerging. I'm starting to not trust people. Any people. Obviously exceptions exist but thats natural. It saddens me a bit 'cus i've always assumed the best in people. Even in the ones i hate. Even in the ones that hate me.
But i'm facing a harsh reality of life. It sucks. Bigtime.

Ok, so now i'm tired of typing. And i've dished out a lot. If you've read this all the way up till here then i salute you. Also you're either really dumb or very much interested in my life or both. All this was just a routinely dump of my mental trash.

Chalay thay saath saath ..

2006-06-14T16:19:00.000-07:00

I posted a few lines from this song the other day. I had to post the whole lyrics. Its constantly on my playlist these days ..

Chalay..
chalay thay saath saath
rukay..
rukay thay saath saath

kitna haseen tha apna safar
saaray jahan ki khushian theen saath
bichar gayay hum dukh ki hay baat

mairi zindagi
mairay saath nahin

chalay..
chalay thay saath saath
rukay..
rukay thay saath saath

kaisay na karta usko main pyar
uski haseen main sukh thay hazaar
bichar gayay hum dukh ki hay baat

mairi zindagi
mairay saath nahin

kia socha hua kia
dooor ho kay mila kia
main nay uss kay dil ko tora
kia?
ya phir uss nay mujh ko chora
kia?

bandhan tha yeh tora kia?

baat mairi sunn lay woh
kaash daikhay mujhay woh
sochon main yon khoya hon main
jaga hon ya soya hon main?

jaanay kitna roya hon main!

chalay..
chalay thay saath saath
rukay..
rukay thay saath saath
chalay..

Chalay Thay Saath Saath - Junoon

maybe, maybe not.

2006-06-13T15:58:00.000-07:00

fly alone
higher and higher
till you kiss the sky
touch the stars
and pass the moon.

i wish my mind came with a on-off button so i could turn it off anytime i wanted to. saad says that i've started thinking too much. i agree. i used to think less earlier. now its as if i have a thinking cap on all the time. think about family, about her, about school, about future. about everything. i end up rationalizing and deconstructing everything. more often than not i get to a point where there's nothing more left to rationalize or deconstruct which is when i start digressing and my thought process brings about these insane tangential thoughts which short-circuit everything in my mind.

i have this neediness in me where i need to know - about everything i think about. and know it in detail. down to the very particles they are made up of. sometimes i think this neediness will be the death of me.

i've lost the creative ali to the more practical ali. i've stopped writing, cut down on photographing. i've lost the fun ali to the serious ali. the ali who is now only bothered with making a life for himself. i wish i could find the balance between the two because i sometimes hate myself for not being the man i was a year ago.

i'm one of those people who like complicating their own lives and then sorting the all the grey into black and white. keep me interested in life i guess. i also have a tinge of sadism in me. my friends are convinced that i enjoy misery.

maybe, maybe not.

and when you're tired of flying
and need someone to give you a push
i'll be there

maybe, maybe not

and when you're even more tired
and been to all the places you needed to be
and done all that you needed to do
and just want to be celebrated and cherished
and loved and held and cared for
i'll be there.

maybe, maybe not.

time.

2006-06-11T03:43:00.000-07:00

time.

a time to love
a time to hate
a time to smile
a time to pain

time - always quintessential.

its always about time.
a time for this.
a time for that.

but sometimes,
there just
needs to be
a time
for time.

Kaisay ?

2006-06-08T01:33:00.000-07:00

Kaisay na karta us ko mein pyar,
Us ke hansee mein sukh thay hazaar.

Chaley Thay Saath Saath - Junoon

=D

dazed ?!

2006-06-07T04:03:00.000-07:00

And i sit alone
and draw circles in my mind
one after the other
till they are deeply etched
i think of you
and am overcome with bliss
i think too long
and i feel pain.

In limbo
i'm suspended,
i love you more every morning
yet i hate you more every night
i thought i had faith
but beliefs are now turning to dust
i turn to Him
and he just turns away.

the world seems devoid of colors
or is it just me thats jaded
i try to seek out rouge
to fill myself with but
i fail, again and again.

i lose into myself
completely and complete
and i wander about
deep inside of me
and i look for the faith
for the stuborness that i had
and yet
with every opening of the door
i look up to see if its you.

Weak of heart, weak of soul
i never was
no longer i derive pleasure
instead i seek hurt
sadist supreme i have become
even an imagination as
vivid as mine
never imagined this image of i.

In Pain.

2006-06-06T13:05:00.000-07:00

Pain makes us make bad decisions.

Fear of pain, is almost as big a motivator.

- House.

Well said. Very well said.

6 am

2006-06-04T17:51:00.000-07:00

Ever thought of death? Thought of dying?
Imagined death? What it'd be like ?!

Death, they say, is the only certainity in life.
Quite true, i say.

I've always been able to cope with death, given the number of deaths that i've witnessed. From family to best friend. I've seen a lot of it. Repeatedly. Been through it and been strong. But today, for some odd reason, hearing of the death of a distant acquaintance's father (May he rest in peace.) has put a new thought in my head that leaves me distraught with a sinking heart - the death of a parent. From the moment i heard of this, my non-stop thinking process has been churning this very thought. How do you shake this off of your mind ?! What do you do ?! It's 6 am and i can't sleep because of this on my mind. I understand that it will happen one day and then another. 'Tis life. I can't imagine being without either of my parents. They mean the world to me. I asked saad about it and he said that he avoids thinking about it because he can't imagine what it'd be like. That made sense. But i suffer from a disease - a disease of thinking. I can't stop thinking about it.

and to add to my misery,
i can, unfortunately, imagine it.

angels mourn.

2006-05-02T14:03:00.000-07:00

the air is marred by gloom today,
angels mourning for a loss,
a deep longing reignites at
the core of my soul,
i dream a dream of you again.

the nearness of you to i
grows deep and dies,
like the rising wave crest crashing
against a rocky shore,
like the deep slumber
broken by the gadfly.

within the dance of the fairy dust,
i see now the dancing you,
ever so swift, so graceful in your demeanor,
with each step to a different tune,
each step narrating a lifetime.

i love you and you i,
i till where with every breath
you draw - i live,
that air is marred by gloom today,
the violins cry a sorrowful tune,
the angels mourn the loss.

2006-04-15T02:15:00.000-07:00

There are these random jolts that life gives me time to time. Keeps awakening me. Now these are not your everyday, random kinds of jolts, but the ones that you can hear roar in the distance and you turn your face away because you are ignorant enough to think that it won't harm you. Or you're just an escapist like me.

Eventually all the errors you make in life catch up with you and hit you hard. They take your breath away. Make you gasp for air. Now an ordinary person would perhaps accept and admit his mistake and make ammends but then there are some like me who even in such circumstances look for the silver lining, find it and escape without giving a damn about what they just brought onto themselves. And no these are not the people that are to be hailed heroes because they got out of a tough spot but rather as cowardly introverts who shy away and go about their business merrily as if nothing happened. Life is never kind to such.

These people are destined to be alone. This does not mean that they choose their lonliness but rather it is the result of their actions. Such people are those who inevitably push everyone away - everyone who cares for them, who loves them. They don't mean to but they do. Its just their destiny.

In some mythology Appolo - the Sun God, was thought to have pulled the sun into the sky everyday and sustain it there till evening and then pulled it out to allow darkness to settle over. I always akined myself to him. I don't why. Though people consider me to be Dionysis. That - i do know why.

What do you do when you feel anger, confusion, pain, frustration, bewilderment ?! And that too when its all directed towards yourself ?!

What do you when you are lost in darkness and your sun is not there to guide you home ?!

Like i read somewhere, where do you go to exorcise your demons ?!

God Bless.

Addiction.

2006-04-06T13:54:00.000-07:00

Of late, i've realised that i expect too much off of people. All people. Any people. People.

But

I think to myself, that i'm always there for them. All people. Any people. People. I'll always go outta my way. Do more than what's expected off of me.

So am i not right to expect some?
I wonder.

They say addiction is progressive. I'm addicted to you. Where does that leave me?

Rationality is a bitch. Philosophers are assholes. Fucking dreamers. Bastards, all of them !

Now, i'm off to my utopia.

Lifeless.

2006-03-28T01:20:00.000-08:00

And it just lies there. Silently. Ever so peaceful. I look away, try and distract myself but my eyes keep reverting back to it. Waiting for it to come alive with its talk and its motion or even with a slightest whimper. But it doesn't. It just lies there lifeless. And i keep waiting. With every passing second, i grow more fidgety, more frustrated. But regardless of what i do or how i feel, it remains in its deep slumber. I punch my door, the finger hurts even more. I need surgery. The pain. Agh, the pain !

And it still remains lifeless.
Come alive.
Please.

aarrgghh !

2006-03-18T16:45:00.000-08:00

and another crappy weekend.

fuckin' hell !

Rush.

2006-02-18T16:53:00.000-08:00

Fighting losing battles gives me a rush.

I'm weird.

Billie Holiday says ..

2006-02-15T20:37:00.000-08:00

I wished on the moon.
For something I never knew.
A sweeter rose, a softer sky.
On April days that would not dance by.
I begged on the stars.
To throw me a beam or two
and asked for a dream or two.
I looked for every loveliness.
It all came true.
I wished on the moon for you.

:D

I thank Thee.

2006-02-11T13:09:00.000-08:00

T-shirt, pair of pants & flip-flops
Very chilly, breezy night.
Long deserted dark road.
Full moon.
Very long walk.
Cigarettes.

Sometimes, it's just the simpler things in life that cure the most complicated of things. Sometimes that's all you need.

=)

The King.

2006-02-09T10:32:00.000-08:00

For as long as I can remember I've loved confronting people esp. when there's some sort of a conflict involved. Gives me a thrill, a high even. Whenever I got busted by my parents and we'd sit down to have 'the talk' I'd always have this adrenalin rush and no, not the nervous oh-shit-i'm-so-gone type, but the kind you get when you zip through traffic at a scorching speed. I always loved it. That sense of anticipation of where I get to articulately dodge everything that's thrown at me and emerge from the entire episode with as gleaming an armour as ever.

I am the King of confrontations.

I still love it.
Perhaps even more than before.

Love You Madly.

2006-01-23T09:52:00.000-08:00

This song is from the soundtrack of Smallville.
Simply fantastic.
The bass and percussion is mind-blowing.

I don't want to wonder
If this is a blunder
I don't want to worry whether
We're gonna stay together
'Till we die

I don't want to jump in
Unless this music's thumping
All the dishes rattle in the cupboards
When the elephants arrive

I want to love you madly
I want to love you now
I want to love you madly, way
I want to love you, love you
Love you madly

I don't want to fake it
I just want to make it
The ornaments look pretty
But they're pulling down the branches
Of the Tree

I don't want to think about it
I don't want to talk about it
When I kiss your lips
I want to sink down to the bottom
Of the sea

I want to love you madly
I want to love you now, yeah
I want to love you madly, way
I want to love you, love you
Love you madly

I don't want to hold back
I don't want to slip down
I don't want to think back to the one thing that I know I
Should have done

I don't want to doubt you
Know everything about you
I don't want to sit across the table from you
Wishing I could run

I want to love you madly
I want to love you now
I want to love you madly, way
I want to love you, love you
Love you madly

- Love you madly, Cake

The Man that I Am.

2006-01-16T00:36:00.000-08:00

I've always been questioned about my values and my perspectives by almost everyone that I know. As a matter of fact perhaps only two or three individuals come to mind who've accepted me for who I am and never questioned or doubted the way I percieve things. I salute you my friends.

I was nine years old when my parents sent me to Pakistan for my education. Since nine I've been living life my way. I've always lived life my way because that's the only way I've known.

I know what familial values are. They are deeply etched in me. However, my personal values were , if not completely, mostly in stark contrast to my familial values. By living with my mother and sister over the past six years I've finally managed to reconcile the two. The trek to this common ground was anything but easy. I remember when my mother first moved back. I opposed anything and everything she said. I detested her points of view. My sister seemed more like a random face who I was being forced to tolerate. However, with time I realised the importance of family, the importance of blood, the importance of family values. I'm a better man for recognizing and adopting them.

Like I stated above my personal values have come to my rescue on several occasions. These are not random values that I picked up here and there but rather a refined collection of 'gems' that time and time again have helped me dig out of a ditch. After having my 'idealistic' world shattered so many times only these handful values always came in handy. People question me, call me naive at times. Say I'm too egoistic or at other times selfish. I'll be the first person there to share your sorrows, the first person to share my happiness. You maybe my blood, my friends, someone I know or even a random face in the crowd. I'll be there for you. I'm the person who'd befriend everyone just like that. Call me compassionate, call me a fool but that's me. And I do this with the purest of intentions so don't get me wrong here. I've lived life on every part of the spectrum - for others, for me and everywhere in between. And only through much grinding at the hands of man and divinity have I reached the stage where I am now.

I'm a man shaped by myself, hence, the stubborness that exists in me. Change makes me feel vulnerable especially when its regarding the values that I hold so dear. But change I must, after all its the essence of existence. Change I will. Eventually, with time.

Question for all.

2006-01-14T14:34:00.000-08:00

Suppose you're given the opportunity,

would you choose the same life that you've been living?

or

would you live out a completely different set of decisions?

Of Bakras.

2006-01-10T14:47:00.000-08:00

Eid.
Of Bakras and Dumbas and Baels.
Of haggling and negotiating.

"Jee bhain, ay donda jay?"
"Jee sir, check kar lo"
"Karao"
"Ay lo jee"
"Mein jori lenni"
"Waikh lo jee, daso kairi lenni?"
"Saray donday jay?"
"Jee sir check kar lavo"
"Ay dono, kinnay lennay?"
"Thwaday wastay, taiee hazaar"
"KINNAY?"
"Taiee hazaar"
"Jan daiya karo, zara tor kay wikhao"
"Ay lo, tussi kinnay denay"
"Satraan hazaar"
"Nai jee, buhut kam higay"
"Acha chalo fir, Salamalaikum"
"Ruko sir, gal tay karo"
"Mein dus dita"
"Chalo, aakhri gal, saray ikki hazaar"
"Nai jee, koi chakar hee nai"
"Chalo tussi daso aakhri kinnay"
"Atharaan"
"Sir laen aali gal karo, sary wee hazaar, bas, aakhri"
"Naa, koi chakar he nai"
"Sir ais taun thally sano wara nai paenda"
"Akhri gal karaan ga, unnee hazaar"
"Nai jee"
"Bas akhri higay, ais tau aik dana uttay nai"
"Chalo jee Bismillar kariay, saray unni"
"Nai jee, unni, bas"
"Acha sir, ay lo, Bismillah karo"

Eid.
Sigh.

Eid Mubarak Eveyone !
Let the meat festivities begin !

The old blog.

2006-01-09T04:49:00.000-08:00

Hmmm,

So everyone been on my case regarding the old blog, from a few comments here to grilling on msn and the phone.

Jeez !

The old blog is still alive, it's just not here anymore.
It carries with it a lot of memories, some which i never wanna forget others that i can't wait to forget.

Anyways,
i've made a link for the old blog in the sidebar.
Those of you still interested can go and check it out there.

Peace.

Zouk.

2006-01-07T06:15:00.000-08:00

Tanya took me for lunch today. She's always been like the elder sister that i never had. So she's here from Boston for her 'shaadi kee tayareean', the aforementioned is in July.

So yea, we went to Zouk and was i shocked !

I've never been the Zouk going person. As a matter of fact I go to MM Alam only very rarely. This is perhaps the 4th time in 4 years that i've been to Zouk. People have told me about saturday afternoons at Zouk but man, it was a discovery !

The crowd, the non-chalant attitude of people, the 'elite' living it up, the hahahaha's, the hugs and the kisses, the .. decadence.

Way too much for the conservative fool that lives somewhere deep in me.

Tsk tsk.
The horror.
The horror
(Brando style from Apocalypse Now !)

The wait.

2006-01-06T15:30:00.000-08:00

It's killing me - this waiting.

2 weeks roughly.
That's how much longer i have to wait.
Running dangerously low on patience.

2 weeks roughly.
It's not that much i keep telling myself.
This too shall pass.

2 weeks roughly.
And i shall have it with me.
I shall be complete again.

2 weeks roughly.
My baby.
My Canon EOS350D.

Sigh.
I wanna take pictures again.

Clean Slate.

2006-01-06T14:55:00.000-08:00

Like everything in life, it's time for a fresh start.

:)